what’s next???

what’s next??? is a good question that applicable into my life at this present. I am in the situation more advance than its supposed to be. Because of this, I am unable to enjoy and expect and excited of what is going to happen next. I used to hate having a kid, used to hate having  a struggling life, I hate poverty, no I do  not hate poor but I have the condition of having so much lacking in life. So, I dreamed to be rich, and really to dream to be rich is not a sin or bad at all because God in his great power provide us with everything to have and to enjoy life to the full. I dream. I dream and really dream of big thing to come. I work for it. I go for it. But the rewards is only purely money. and then I realize having enough money is not what we all need. Having enough money is not making life full and happy.  I do not believe in family though I have a wonderful responsible parents but I don’t believe in family. So, I choose to be a live-in partner. To feel how is it having a husband or family of your own, but u know what, there is so much lacking. So much emptiness that I cannot explain. I felt like I belong to someone, yet I don’t belong to someone. I felt like I have a husband, yet I do not have my own husband. I felt in between. I felt terrible. I felt saddened. I felt hatred of him each single day. I felt hopeless. I felt careless, I felt disaster. I have no more happiness. but I cannot leave the situation because of material reasons. Yes, I am materialistic woman, yet I value hardwork and respect. Who in the world do not like to have a great life. Who in the world, love to have plenty. I want all. I have all. but I do not have anything. You cannot imagine the feeling that I am in .. which is all made by me…. I am INSANE….